Monday, September 7, 2009
my nerves are getting to me
Well I am so close to having Dalton I am scared to death. My nerves are getting to me and I am terrified because I know what lies ahead. A c-section is so painful. I have to learn how to walk again and suffer with stitches or staples in my stomach. I prefer stitches instead of staples though. Either way it hurts. I wish my mom could be here but I know she cant. On a good note today is mine and Corys anniversary. I feel so helpless right now. I dont have anymore family. I have a lot of support here but just no family. I no longer count my dad as family. Im nothing more to him than a tenant for his house. My dad is nothing more than a memory to me. I had a dad at one time but its almost like he died, nothing more than a shell of my dad remains. I dont know if he has remorse or not. I have been praying and reading the bible everyday in hopes he will change. Were we never good enough for him? Did we do something wrong? My dad once said if he had it to do all over again he would have never had kids. Maybe one day he will change but until then he is not my dad. Im not telling him when the baby is due and I dont want him there. I will keep praying for him. Listen to your father; without him you would not exist. When your mother is old, show her your appreciation. Proverbs 23.22
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I think you are great. Someone once said that if you feel that you need someone or something there so badly and they are not.. it means that you are getting through life without them. He will always be your Dad. One thing you do have is the choice to have a relationship with him or not, but please don't ever feel like you need him to survive. I think you're doing great. And as far as family goes, count me in as a sister also. :) We love you!
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